It's a genuinely good question. Where has my mind been these past few weeks? The reason why I asked myself this (while listening to a song that is of the same title) is because, for these past few weeks or so, I don't seem to be acting like myself. Just a little refresher for those who don't know yet I—obviously—got rejected by the person I was planning to court, and what made it worse is the fact that it was a (sort of) indirect form of rejection. There are other things that attribute to the loss of my conscience these past few weeks, so, let's trace back three weeks ago.

Shortly after I published the post "An Update," I began to think of a plan to court this girl I had an infatuation for. I asked my friends—and my fellow APC Speaks members, too—for tips on how to approach someone from the higher year levels. To my surprise, I got an overwhelming amount of support from my friends and from the people who were willing to help me out. Believe me when I say that this amount of support in my life is unprecedented and, honestly speaking, I was more than humbled to see how many of my friends are willing to stick with me and help me out in my latest "endeavor."

Several days pass and—on February 11, 2016—the "first phase" of my 3-step plan to court this person began. It was a Thursday and, while I was waiting in the main hallway/area outside the cafeteria, I encountered the girl that I was planning to court. There it began. Suddenly, the Police's "Every Breath You Take" played in my head and, almost like a movie, everything around me played in slow motion. As she walked down the flight of stairs leading to the main floor, her hair bounced from the left side of her face to her right, revealing her face. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because she was walking towards me and I probably looked like some fool with his eyes wide open. She immediately turned to the right and opened the door leading to the hallway that leads to the APC Chapel. I saw her enter and I immediately ran to look for this kind blockmate of mine (Justin Parado). I asked him to do a favor for me, in which he immediately accepted (he's nice like that), and soon enough he was on his way to the APC Chapel to ask "if it was already open." He returned to me and excitement soon rushed through my dried-up arteries.

Story time and flowery words aside, I met her, she met me, I got acquainted to the org through the help of my friend, Timothy, and, after the mass, we were able to have lunch. Although we didn't directly exchange stories, it was genuinely nice to hear them tell theirs, and I'm contented listening to them. One thing that I shouldn't have done during that time was to stare at her. Seriously, I wasn't able to control my eyes staring at her. I don't know why, first-love-in-a-long-time habits, I guess. She definitely caught me staring at her, but she just smiled with her cute eyes (what?) and started to laugh. To which I laughed along for no reason as well, but I felt relieved that she didn't get mad, or something.

For now, I'll keep our first day encounter under wraps and as a secret; however, I will publish a blog post soon about our first encounter (in great detail, of course). Going back, the day turned out pretty well so far—until I got home. A few hours or so after I arrive home, I got a message saying that a close friend of mine got terminated from APC Speaks and that he wasn't able to go back. Personally, this rocked me to the core and my heart (which was fluttering from what happened earlier) suddenly dropped to the pit of my stomach. This signaled the end of my time with that friend of mine.


Fast forward to February 19, I got the most terrifying news I could ever get in the whole month of February. After days of what seemed like total silence in the chatbox of the girl I love, a friend of hers (who's also my fellow APC Speaks member) told me that she wasn't interested in me because of reasons I won't and shouldn't state in this blog. The words "Ouch" and "I knew it" immediately went out of my mouth as I read—in disbelief—the walls of text that is, undeniably, the truth. Still, I seemed to have taken it rather lightly. Personally speaking, if you're me, you wouldn't even hope for a chance at love. At this point, I don't even have hope that I may find someone someday, but the events that transpired over the past few days brought back hope into my life. Nevertheless, it all "evaporated" when I heard the news.

I accepted it, of course. I completely agree with her decision, despite the urge of my gut to say otherwise. While I couldn't exactly say what long-term effect the rejection had on me, I could say for certain that I was heartbroken because I started to fall for the girl. I already got jitters just talking to her and her messages to me almost everyday made my day better, and all of the things that got something to do with love.

A few days pass and my life—once again—has started to lose all its color. Food has lost its taste, colors have turned dull, and songs have lost their meaning. All of the songs that had something to do with love, and all of the songs I played while I was in love (notoriously Sam Cooke's "What A Wonderful World") have lost all their meaning and I struggled to understand them once again.

Despite all of that, I still (more than) want to be friends with the girl. She's genuinely nice, and she's totally unlike the other girls I've met before. After everything, I can surely say that the girl has a kind heart with a polite attitude, which is why I even fell for her in the first place. Well, that and because she looks so darn cute! But anyway, I personally see the girl as someone I'd love to (at the very least) befriend for a long time in my life. I don't know why, I just have a feeling that I should get close to this girl and make her one of my few close friends.

Finally, back to the topic of this post (I really do sidetrack that much, right?), I haven't been acting the same before. Sure, there are times when I would go back to a happy (and somewhat annoying) state of being, but that's just temporary, and it often doesn't last long as I immediately turn into a hollow husk of a "suitor."

Life hasn't been quite like the same for me recently. I'm neither forlorn nor happy, I'm just.. neutral, I suppose. The statement "Life hasn't been quite like the same for me" is probably the most accurate thing I could say right now because there is no other way for me to explain my current state of being.

As for now, I suppose my mind is wandering off somewhere. Probably thinking about what it did wrong, and how could it have a second—yet more meaningful—chance. It's probably thinking of the things that could've happened but, in reality, didn't happen because of various reasons and certain "restrictions."


I don't even know anymore. Still, I'm happy that the girl and I are still friends, and I value her for doing that. Regardless if my mind is with me or not, I'm still glad that I involuntarily smile when I see her, or whenever she messages me. As long as those happen, I'm genuinely happy.