A Better Tomorrow

Well, here we are again, the last day of the year. The 365th page of this 365-page chapter. The day where everything ends and restarts again. The end of 2015.

Earlier in 2014, I made a bold claim that 2015 would be "the year where everything changes" because Windows 10 will be released, I will be off to college and will be leaving high school, and so much more. The claim I made a year ago was a bold claim, but it was nonetheless spot on: 2015 would soon turn out to be a huge turning point in my life.

There's a lot of things that happened this year, and a lot of new things were introduced into my life. While most of the things that were introduced were good, it's also given that some bad stuff is going to be introduced into my life. Anyway, here's a lot of most (if not, all) of the significant things that happened in my life in 2015 (in chronological order, of course).

• I started to implement "OS updates" to myself.
• The Girls' Generation "Girls & Peace" logo is officially my main go-to profile picture.
• I started to focus on improving my proficiency and fluency in the English language.
• English became my default language (my "mother tongue," so to speak) whenever I would post online and whenever I would think to myself.
• I turned 16.
• I took an entrance exam at Asia Pacific College and chose Computer Science as my major.
• I graduated from my high school.
• I stopped ALL gaming-related activities and abandoned the gaming industry in favor of academics and other activities.
• I enrolled for the first semester at Asia Pacific College.
• I met my new set of classmates ("blockmates," as they're called here) and made new friends.
• I fell in love with my professor.
• I slowly learned that I had a skill for public speaking and joined APC Speaks, the debate and public speaking organization at Asia Pacific College.
• I competed in the finals of the Inter-Class Public Speaking Competition and got to go up to the auditorium to deliver a speech.
• I learned that I wasn't good at calculus and trigonometry.
• I started focusing on programming and web development.
• I got a lot of developer tools, signed up for Microsoft DreamSpark, and I signed up for the Microsoft Student Partner Program (my application has yet to be reviewed).
• I learned that I should be closer to my true friends since high school and I became friends again with Big Sister, +Elaine Avriele Santos.
• I started to blog again (albeit not that much) and I made a joint blog with Big Sister.
• Without someone to have a crush on, and with multiple failures of asking a girl out, my heart defaulted back to my professor.
• Since I didn't have a crush for so long, my life slowly became more dull and lifeless, and I soon realized that love (and close human relations) was a key ingredient in keeping the color in life.
• I had made a new "universal OS numbering update system" and I wrote a program in Java that could print out OS update numbers and such.
• I decreased the number of my friends list on Facebook from 500+ down to just a maximum of 148 (I'll discuss this in a future blog post).
• I focused more on my online activities and started utilizing various parts of the Internet rather than just going on Facebook and Twitter.
• I became friends (on Facebook) with my professor :^] (This just happened today, seriously. The year is about to be over and it still had one little, amazing surprise in store for me.)

Now, I have a lot of things on that list that I could've made a blog post (or two, three, or more) about, but I just wasn't able to because I was either too lazy or too busy to do so. Not to worry, I promise I'll make more blog posts in 2016, as, starting January 1, this blog of mine will be the centralized place where I would post ALL updates. Yep, that's right, every single story from my life will now be placed here, meaning that I have little to no use of posting updates on Facebook anymore.

The stories and significant bits from my life in 2015 are just a handful of things that happened to me in 2015. I'm planning to see a longer list once 2016 ends as 2016 will be the year of.. [drum roll] massive improvements and refinements! Okay, that might be a little too long, so I'll just make it "2016: The Year of Refinements" instead.

I'll post my plans, hopes (and dreams), expectations, and the things I'll do for the year 2016 once the new year rolls in. Happy new year, everyone! :)

Talking about how fun is not in my life anymore might seem like a childish or as a somewhat "immature" topic to talk about, but it has (personally) been bothering me for the past few days or so, and it's something I can't keep shut anymore.

Before I continue, I believe that you must all get a proper definition of what the word "fun" really means to me, and not just by some online dictionary explanation. For me, the word "fun" is often associated with emotions and time (more specifically, moments). Fun may seem like a mixture of both, but I often think of it as a box—a box full of emotions, that is. Whenever I experience fun, I experience a lot of emotions in the same time as well: happiness, joy, enthusiasm, and bliss are just some of the emotions I feel when I'm having fun. The second thing I find interesting about the word "fun" is that I almost always relate it to a particular place, person, or, mostly, time. Whenever I try to use the word "fun" in a sentence, I always think of something similar to this, "February–June 2014? Man, those were fun times." It might not be correct, but I almost always associate the word "fun" with something.

Now that's out of the way, I believe it's time to tackle the elephant in the room, the burning question that made me write a blog post early in the morning: Where did all of the fun go?

Moreover, why is everything mostly boring now? Why has my day-to-day life become more bland compared to high school, even though it's an entirely new experience to me? What's missing from my life? I tried looking for an answer, and it was hard to do so, but I finally found it and I found it in the most unexpected of places: my old blog. Before starting this blog (and my blog for the all-English term), I had another blog here on Blogger. Despite making and publishing posts under a different alias, my friends (especially my close friends) knew that it was my blog and I was responsible for all of the content in it. Meaning that, to my dismay, if I post something a friend of mine didn't like, I would be held responsible for it. I was an expressive kid back then, and I often took time to pen down and blog about the things I often found interesting in life—whether it'd be gossip, news stories about Girls' Generation, or anything else. If it's interesting enough to be taken a good look at, it was definitely worth making a blog post about.

Now, having a few friends who easily got offended with the slightest thing about them (even if they misunderstood what they read about them) and being an all-out expressive person through blogging proved to be a horrible combination. For starters, certain people would ask me to take down a blog post, even if it's what I (and some people) believe as the truth. Next, this also limited how many blog posts I made, and the topics I talked about—further limiting my ability to get out the message I want to say and the messages I can say. Lastly, these series of events has made me scared to ever make a blog post again, and it has made me lazy in making them.

I'm pretty sure you might be wondering, "Dart, we know you had all of these things and there have been occasions where you weren't able to blog about the things you liked, but so what? What's their significance in taking away the fun from your life?" The most honest and proper answer I could give to that is actually very simple: that I love blogging. I personally take joy in taking a look back at what my life has become or the things that happened in the day and giving them a second look, it provides me a way to looking back and analyzing what made the day interesting, and it was also a way for me to share my stories with everyone.

So, after all that being said, what did I really find in my old blog? Well, I found posts about the things I liked, the things I found interesting, and the new things I tried. I read posts about my experience with my big sister and how much I love her, my general gaming experience and the things in games that I found interesting, and I also talked about my life. I soon found out that, over time, I made less and less blog posts everyday until, one day, they all stopped. I guess this is a representation of something you loved to do, but then someone close to you wanted you to stop what you're doing, and, because of that, you just stopped.


That's how it went. I just stopped blogging and writing stories online altogether. I stopped sharing my experiences and I was forced to retire my blog and delete most of the posts that had been considered controversial. What's odd about all of this is the domino effect this whole hoopla has caused. By stopping me from sharing stories about the new things I tried, I stopped trying out new things. This might be somewhat hard to understand, but just think back to what I said earlier, "If it's interesting enough to be taken a good look at, it was definitely worth making a blog post about," and this proved to be true vice versa. If I didn't have a place where I could talk about the new things I tried, why try new things in the first place?

In the end, what happened? Here's a simple explanation: I found out I loved blogging and talking about the things I liked, then I ran out of things I wanted to talk about, then I tried out new things and this proved to be an enjoyable experience, then I tried talking about my life and the people in it, then some people got mad and forced me to take down posts or stop blogging altogether, then I got scared, and then I stopped blogging. I got scared of my close friends, and the people close to me and I got this idea that they were watching everything I post online and they would ask me to take down something they didn't like.

Because of all this I got scared posting stuff online and, well, I just kept everything to myself. I stopped trying to form new experiences as a result and this mentality has got to stop. The only solution I see to this is to continue blogging and I need to learn how to reaccept it as a genuine form of expression. Still, there are some things I still wouldn't and shouldn't talk about, but that doesn't mean I should stop talking about things entirely. I believe that learning these limitations while, at the same time, learning how to live and coexist with them is the most obvious and best solution to all of this. As for the people who just want to take down posts because they find it offensive or they don't like it (even if it's the truth), such as this post I made about my friend who kept on asking favors and making me do their schoolwork. As for them, I plan on just ignoring them; however, if they can prove to me that what I posted was not the actual truth, then I would gladly take down the post—provided that it isn't the truth. But if it is, and if that person is caught red handed, then they have no right to take down what is actually the truth.

Who do you think you are to make me do this? What makes you think that I find this activity enjoyable? When did you began using me? Where did you get the idea that you can just use me like that? Why can't you see that I'm suffocating me under all of the work you're making me do? Please, I beg of you, stop doing this.

Before I start, I want to ask you all a question: When your best friend needs help with something—a schoolwork, a project of some sort—would you help them? What if you knew, in advance, that they are going to make you work for 5-8 hours a day, and you will be doing most (if not, all) of the work while your friend is just criticizing your work and making you do it again if it doesn't match their expectations; moreover, your friend will make you stay up all night the day before the deadline and your friend will make you work until you've finished (which happens to be on the day of the deadline itself). If you knew those those things in advance, would you still help them?

The most likely answer would be a solid "No" and you'd immediately decline the offer, unless your friend will pay you, or repay you (in one way or another) for what you did. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know those things in advance. But before I start, I believe I should give you all some necessary context about my friend. Oh, and this post might be a little "too lengthy," but I'll make some parts easier to understand so that you all easily get this post.

You see, I have this friend—a friend that I've had for a solid 3 years. Like most friendships, my friendship with that person started out small, we sometimes talked during late hours of the night talking about various topics, and, through those conversations, that person slowly got to know me. We grew close to each other, and a full year into our friendship, that person became the most influential person in my life. We did what most friends do as well; we hung out, we talked to each other when we had problems, and we had little arguments every now and then.

Over time, that person got to know me more—what my skills are, and the things I'm good at—and I got to know that person as well. Soon, that person began asking favors from me when it came to computer-related problems, but, for most of the time, I was glad to help that person out with a smile.

I'm not sure if this is an accurate representation, but I think my constant helping and agreeing to certain favors slowly made my friend realize that I was some resource they could use—a material that they could exploit and use in times of need, and only in times of need. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but I soon started to have that mentality over time. But still, my friend was asking me to do these small (but easy) favors until that person's first major offense.

I was in high school back then, and my friend was a freshman in college. I was minding my own business—watching YouTube, reading articles online, and so on—until my friend messaged me, asking me that they need help with an online quiz they had. Luckily for them, it was an online quiz, and the thing with online quizzes is that you can just take them and cheat, but that's not what that person did. So my friend needed help with this quiz in some IT-related subject, and I was glad to help this person out at first. I ran Skype and soon I was in a call with my friend.

It was already nighttime and I had classes the following day, but the call lasted up until 1 or 2 a.m., which is way past my bedtime. After helping my friend with their work, I was obviously tired and exhausted, but I felt that this wasn't going to be the last. I knew, deep in my heart, that things were only going to get worse, and so it did.

My friend's second major offense came in the form of a DOCX file through Facebook. It was the 6th of April and I had just graduated from high school. Since it was summer, I was doing the things I would usually do: play games and watch YouTube the entire day. Then I soon got a message from my friend asking me if I wanted to help them with proofreading a document from them. My friend said that it was (sort of) urgent because they don't have someone in their team to proofread everything, and now my friend (and their team) are needing me to proofread just one document from them, just one document. Because of the idea that it was just going to be one document (I figured it was a book report of some sort that only consisted for 2-3 pages), I agreed to help out. What happened next was something I didn't expect and it completely shocked me.

I had to proofread ALL OF THESE by myself.

This was no laughing matter as their document consisted of 15 pages (roughly about 3,000 words), and all of them used technical jargon. Plus, I barely knew what the project was for, or, more importantly, why I was tasked with proofreading THEIR TEAM'S ENTIRE FINAL TERM PAPER in the first place. It was a grueling task to do as their entire team of 3-5 college individuals barely knew how to properly proofread their own document themselves, and they were so bad at it that they needed help in proofreading an entire document from a high school student who just graduated. Adding insult to injury, I didn't get paid for doing the entire proofreading myself; adding more insult to injury, I wasn't even thanked, and that person didn't message me until he/she needed me again.

I had to proofread 15 pages and I basically had to proofread around 3,000 words, and I wasn't even a part of their team.

Despite all of those bad things, I still did it, and I did the entire proofreading all by myself, without the help of some other person in their group. I only messaged my friend when I needed clarification with something because there were sentences where I couldn't understand what they were saying because the grammar and the order of the sentences were so unclear, and they were so bad that I almost reached the point where I just wanted to block my friend and drop this entire project.. but the thing is, I didn't. I didn't block my friend and I continued to do all of the proofreading. I finished the document, passed it, and my friend just straight up ignored me for the next few weeks or so. Ignored in the sense that my friend didn't message me, or even talked to me about thanking me for my work on their project. Heck, my friend barely talked to me about anything else for the next few days.

After that experience, the favors the constant asking for me to do this just came pouring in (over a period of months). I helped my friend with an assignment about people in the IT industry, and, while I was doing that, my friend was browsing 9gag. 9gag, ladies and gentlemen, 9gag.

I'm busy researching and I'm basically doing your homework for you while you're just browsing memes on 9gag? I'm sending you my findings and you're sending me links to memes on 9gag? Are you serious?

My friend's third and final strike was about a month ago, around the time of All Souls' Day. My friend first asked me to make a background for their project in WEBPROG (Web Programming) using Photoshop. I agreed, considering that it was particularly easy for me to make a background; however, I soon found out that my friend has barely starting coding their website.

I then offered to help them code the website, but the thing is, my friend didn't know how to code the website. So now, the entire fate of the project itself relied on me, as my friend didn't know how to code. I now have this entire project (this burden, really) on my shoulders and the outcome of this project is now my responsibility.

So, yeah, work soon started on the project. I made a background, a basic design consisting of a few semitransparent boxes, and I began working on the links. Now, I have to say to you all that, as I was coding these, my friend was, once again, browsing 9gag. I shrugged it off, but I was still annoyed at doing this. Still, I just continued working on the project. After I showed my friend the layout and the design of their website, my friend complained about the background. My friend didn't complain that the background looked bland or that the background looked horrible, but my friend complained that they envisioned to use different backgrounds for each page, and my friend wanted to use pictures they took.

This proved to be a HUGE pain in the head because the 4 pages I made only used one background and one CSS file, which is a pretty common practice for today's web programming standards. Adding more headaches, my friend wanted to use a different highlight color and a different article background color for each webpage to match the colors of the background. So I have no other option other than to just make 4 duplicates of the original CSS file, and customize them to match my friend's intended design for each web page—and that wasn't even the annoying part. The annoying part of it all was that my friend took a lot of time looking for a good background for each page, and this process took about 2 hours or so to finish. Can you image that? Roughly 2 hours of looking for 4 background pictures.

After days of exhausting and grueling work, and a million revisions later, I finished the project and I was ready to give it to my friend. The project started out with only 4 pages, but it then expanded to 7 pages, with 4 unique styles for each page (the styles for the other 3 pages were borrowed from 1 page because I was so lazy and I was so annoyed at that point).





It's not much, I know. It doesn't look very classy nor does it confine to any design language (it only has a bit of minimalism), and the design doesn't look spectacular overall. It also doesn't use as much JavaScript elements as this blog of mine. The reason behind those is because I knew that I was going to be used, yet again, and I won't be thanked for what I did, so I intentionally lowered my performance and exerted less effort into designing the website, but it still took a toll on my health and general wellbeing.

Anyway, by the time I was ready to give my friend the final version, it was already 2 in the morning, and I had classes the following day. To make things worse, it was the week where I would have midterm exams, and I didn't study for any of the midterm exams I had that day. It was 2 a.m., I had 3 midterm exams that day, and I didn't study because I was busy helping my friend with their project for their midterms, and I was extremely exhausted after working for 5-8 hours for the past 3 days.

8 hours. You make me work for 8 hours on your project. You were doing this to me for the past 3 days.

It's a no-brainer to say what happened to me hours later. I was still extremely exhausted, sleep-deprived, and I felt used. I checked my messages on Facebook to see if my friend thanked me and, guess what, my friend didn't thank me. In fact, the last message I got from my friend was a RAR file that contained the icons for the social links. Just by looking at the screenshot above, you can clearly see that my friend didn't thank me on Skype either. I checked everything, I checked all my inboxes and there was no messages thanking me for what I did—none, nada, zip, nothing.

Tired, sleepy, and on the verge of tears, I still proceeded to attend my first class. Upon arrival at APC, I realized that I can barely make it to my classroom. My eyes were colored with a shade of that perfect bloodshot-yellowish red, the bottom of my eyes were almost pure black from the lack of sleep, and I only felt like hammering my head to the nearest wall because I was so cranky from all the work my friend made me do. I headed to the library and took a good 30-minute nap, and then I went to the air-conditioned part of the library (because it wasn't open by the time I got there). I took a nap for an hour or so, and I consulted a close friend about this problem of mine. Oh, and I also forgot to mention that I wasn't able to take my midterm exam for one class. I skipped a midterm exam and I wasn't able to take it again.

Going back to my friend that I consulted with, this friend was unlike my other friend (who was constantly using me). This friend (who I consulted with) was understanding, and she was willing to help me out with my situation. She told me that I should just straight up block my old friend from every single social networking site, every site where I found my old friend; remove my friend's phone number, pictures, and contact information; and I should think as if my old never existed—completely disregarding and destroying the friendship we had. It was the perfect solution, although I had trouble blocking my friend on Facebook. Luckily my new friend borrowed my phone, logged into my account, unfriended that person, and blocked them.

Almost immediately, a sigh of relief rushed out of my mouth and I felt as if a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. Thanks to my new friend, I was now free from the clutches of my old friend, and I was finally able to sleep peacefully that day—knowing that my old friend won't bother me again.


Here I am now, retelling my experiences with about my old friend. Just by reading the post above, you might think I'm starting a hate campaign against my old friend, or I'm going to try to bash that person in this blog post, but the main goal of this blog post is to share this experience I had with that person and to call out the wrongdoings of my friend. Quite frankly, I just want to voice out my story and opinion on this person, and how they've affected me as a whole throughout the entirety of our friendship.

Now, there are people who are going to take advantage of you in one way or another, but, as my new friend said, "You have to be selfish every once in a while. Not because you don't want to help them, but because you want to take care of yourself first." My friend does have a point considering that I agreed to the offer of working, and I personally became a slave of my old friend.

Up until now, I still hate my friend for all of the things they made me do, but I have to agree that it was partly my fault of accepting the offers in the first place. Still, my friend should've known not to take advantage of others.


At the end of the day, we are in control of our lives and we can choose to live them the way we want. If I want to live a life without my old best friend, then that person should accept it; if my old best friend wants to live a life without me, it's completely fine and I don't see anything wrong with it. Nevertheless, I think the best way to end a post like this something that my old friend said. Coming from the mouth (or fingers, really) of the person who has used me and has taken advantage of me time and time again, I think this is a solid, yet ironic, statement from my ex-best friend—one that perfectly suits this post. I hope you all liked reading my story and I'll see you all soon.

I couldn't have said it better myself, ol' pal of mine.

Today, I'd like to share an experience—an experience during a particular part of the year, really—that I really love and wish to happen someday. Just by looking at the title, you can clearly see that it's none other than the monsoon season. Other people have different terms for it, some people call it "rainy season," "rainy weather," or generally "wet season," but, in my eyes, it will always be "monsoon season." Ah, the monsoon season, how I love it so much, and yet I didn't experience it this year.

For me, the monsoon season formally starts when schools here in the Philippines start suspending classes for 5-6 days straight, or something like that. I don't really know what's so magical about the season itself, but it makes me feel so much at home. During this beloved season, I kick back, relax, and download some Japanese movies, or I watch any movie that has extremely gloomy weather, or something like that. I'm not particularly a fan of Japanese movies during the other times of the year, but that's (probably) because I love the country so much whenever monsoon season comes around. I don't know why, but Japan and its cities look best (for me) whenever it's the monsoon season.


Another thing I enjoy the most about the season itself is the smell of rain and the general feeling of coldness I experience during the season. For those who don't know, my room doesn't have an air conditioner, and my room is unbearably hot (especially during summer) all year round, and the feeling of coldness, that feeling when your environment is so cold, you just want to lie in your bed wrapped in a blanket is what makes the season extra-comfy for me. Still, that's not to say that I don't experience the coldness of air conditioners, as I experienced it quite a lot during my kindergarten, elementary, high school, and even my college days—basically, all of the schools I've attended have air conditioners.

But I digress, there's just something about the pelting of the raindrops on my window, the smell of the rain, the generally-cold atmosphere, and the suspension of classes that just makes the season itself so magical. Like I said before, I watch a lot of movies this season and the movies I remember watching were Death Tube 2 and Man, Woman, & the Wall—oddly enough, I really liked Death Tube 2 back then. I even liked it so far as to make its main protagonist my wallpaper.

Ah, Windows 8 and this wallpaper brings back so many memories.

And, believe it or not, that's just for 2013. I don't really recall much of what happened during the monsoon season in 2014, probably because it didn't happen or I was busy with a former romantic interest of mine. As for 2015, this year, the monsoon season never really happened.

While I do remember classes being suspended after our EGRAMCM class, I don't really remember classes being suspended for 5-6 days straight. Although I didn't watch any movie during the days when classes were suspended, the weather was still very lovely. I even made a blog post in my memoir because I thought that the monsoon season was finally about to start, but still, it never really took off.

Oh well, it's already the yuletide season and the weather isn't that much different, honestly speaking. The weather will still be a few degrees colder, but it won't rain. Adding insult to injury, my last day of classes is on December 23, and classes resume on January 3, meaning I only have a week or so to really enjoy the yuletide season. On January, the weather will get hotter and hotter, reaching its climax on April-May.

Finally, after months of drought and warm, humid weather, the clouds with gather all over the tired, dreary city, and soon, the raindrops will fall.

For those who don't know, I'm a person who's usually secluded from others, and one who finds enjoyment in doing so. You might classify that person in many types: a loner, a person who doesn't know how to communicate with other people, a weirdo, or as someone who just doesn't want to talk to people. If I'm ever going to classify myself into one of those four classes, I would choose the second one—being a person who can't easily keep a conversation going after 10 minutes—but I think I can fit well into the 3rd one. This is just going to be a short post (I hope), I still have my advocacy speech to write about.

Being a person with little to no social life at all (for me) is a grueling experience. There are those who don't have a social life in school, but they do have one at home with their parents, and, obviously, you can immediately tell that I have neither one of them. Now, not having a social life is optional, and it's an option for me as well—in fact, it's the only option.

Now why is that? Well, it's because of high school (and a few other things). I did make friends with people in high school, but the problem was I trusted most of them very easily, and things kind of got out of hand when most of them started spreading my secrets around and stuff. Not a lot of them really cared that much (I mean, even I wouldn't be interested in the secret of the kid who was always alone sitting in the back), but it was still a major offense to me. Anyway, long story short, I only trusted a few people, kept only a few friends, and my list of real friends kept on dwindling down until college.

I've made a lot of friends in college, but there was just one problem: no one really know me, and I really didn't know them. There are a few who know me and my story, but there are others who I don't really know. The problem lies in the fact that I'm too scared to open up to others. I'm scared that, whatever happened in high school, might happen again.

But I realized something this morning: so what? So what if most people know I do this and that? So what if my suicidal past gets passed around? So what if people know I'm not emotionally stable? If you look at it, it's actually very beneficial because the people who judge easily will immediately stay away from me, while I can see the others who really want to approach me and be friends with me—the ones who take the time to get to know me despite my various flaws. Quite simply, the people who easily judge others based on something they've heard are the ones that I shouldn't form friendships with, and the people who know my flaws, know my problems, and yet continue to try to be friends with me are the ones I should really be friends with.

Who would you rather have as a friend? The one who knows the flaws in people and immediately stays away from them without getting to know the person first or the person who knows the flaws in people and yet still tries to get to know them and form a friendship?

People are different, and the statement aforementioned can't be applied to everyone.

Going back, the problem really is that there are people who want to get to know me, and can't do so because of the restrictions I have in place. As GLaDOS once said, "The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one." And the easiest answer is to just stop being so overprotective, loosen up, and let the light shine back in my life.

So, as of today, (most) of the stories from my life and (some) aspects of me will be shared with (almost) anyone, just as long as I can make sure that the person who wants to know doesn't look like one who will easily spread rumors around. Even if my secrets and stories got spread, the real question at the end of the day is "Would anyone really care?"

By now, it has become obviously clear that I have lost sight of what really matters in life and what is my purpose in it. This problem isn't really anything new, it's just your average case of "existential crisis" from a teen suffering it at an early age. Now, having an existential crisis at an early age is an extremely horrible thing to experience.

I don't know how mine usually started, but I know that it began when I slowly lost sight of the dream—the dream that I have of building a better and brighter tomorrow. It might sound silly to you, possibly because it's something that a 3rd grader would say ("I want to change the world when I grow up.") but it's actually a very strong vision to me. The vision of a more peaceful, a more prosperous, and a more hopeful future is the only large-scale dream I have (that and a few other unnecessary ones).

But honestly speaking, ever since I was little, I've always been fascinated with technology and the future. I fancied myself the idea of living in a modern a minimalist future filled with flying cars and a ubiquity of holograms, all with a shade of pure white and bright cyan. As I grew older, this vision of a better tomorrow manifested into a dream, which turned into an idea, which lead me to the pursuit of the same vision I had years ago. It's a far-flung dream from reality, but hey, you are free to chase down whatever dream you have in your short time on this earth—and I believe you should chase it, especially if it aims to help humanity as a whole.

However, no matter how hard I chase down my dream, at the end of the day I'm still human. I broke down in sadness, I was sometimes put my own lustful desires ahead of the dream I wanted to pursue, and, worst of all, I constantly experienced moments of pure laziness and a willing feeling of not just doing anything. Residing to laziness is something I often did, and, honestly speaking, it made me comfortably accept the idea that things will always turn out for the worst. So I resided myself to the idea of this horrible future and it's because that future doesn't expect anything of me today.

That is, of course, until opportunity knocked at my doorstep. Like a survivor trying to free himself from the rubble, hope—time and time again—has risen out of the darkness and made its way into my life. This time, it came in the form of a website, Microsoft DreamSpark.

It was an average Monday night for me, one filled with wallowing over a failed quiz in calculus, in which I got one of the lost grades in the entire block. Distraught, I immediately tried to find my forte, as I thought that there must be something I excelled at. I looked at my course and, without hesitating, I turned to programming. Although programming isn't something I'm inherently good at, I'm sure that I can learn it and, if I put my mind and will to it, I know that I'm going to excel on it someday.

I immediately searched for programming tools that are free of cost for students and, lo and behold, Microsoft DreamSpark was one of the top search results. Although my college doesn't really support the program itself, I still thought that I could still apply to it. After all, it did say that it was open to all students willing to get a head start in programming. I took out my Lumia, took a photo of my registration form along with my details, and sent it on its way.

In less than 24 hours, I got this email:



I was ecstatic when I got that email. I felt like things were going to finally start out well for me and I'm now finally able to get myself out of this rut in my life. I got the tools, and now I need to learn how to dig myself out of this.

As you can see, that email was sent more than 2 weeks ago, and my progress in programming has since dwindled as the usual disappointment from calculus piled up, not to mention that I have 6 days of classes every week, and I only had access to programming tools at home. My laptop is broken beyond repair (although it's still useful but suffers from slowdowns every now and then) so I can't really test out the skills I've learned while I'm at APC (Asia Pacific College).

One reason of this is because I don't have any access to any computers during my free time. As much as I would love to, I don't really have proper access to any programming tools in APC aside from using them in my designated subjects—which is just a small 8 hours compared to the average of 44 hours I spend a week in APC, not to mention the additional 2 and a half hours I spend every single day getting to and from my college, which totals to about 15 hours per week. If only I was able to allocate, at the very least, an additional 4 or 6 hours a week at APC learning how to code, I would've already known the fundamentals of the Java and C# programming languages.

Nevertheless, I still had around 109 hours left at home. So, at the end of the day, it's all my fault if I don't learn programming. At this point, I'm really considering taking time management skills or I should find meaning and purpose in the things I do and the things I want to do.

Regaining sight of the dream I want to pursue is not easy, nor is being able to implement it. But still, I'm always thinking of that famous movie quote that went, "Most dreams don't come true on their own, you have to make them true. Takes a lot of work, not easy, but not impossible either."

We all have that friend who shares almost the same set of interests as us, or someone who likes something as much as us. For me, that person is my big sister, +Elaine Avriele Santos. Obviously, it's great to have a friend like that, but what happens when you've been friends for such a long time and yet you both haven't met?


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Before starting, let me give you some context about my friendship with the lovely Elaine Avriele. 3 or so years ago, I was part of this group on Facebook which was essentially this sort of fan club for this book series (which I seemed to love a few years ago). I was already a Sone (the term for a fan of the Korean girl group Girls' Generation)  back then and, for some reason, I wanted to know if there are any fans of Girls' Generation in the group. To my absolute surprise, 2 persons commented on my post. The first one was, of course, Elaine and the second one was her friend.

During that time, things were just starting out for us. We didn't talk much, but we talked on a somewhat weekly basis. Things really didn't start until I accidentally tagged her in a photo because I had (yep, had) a friend who's also named Elaine, and Elaine talked to me about the tag and I removed it, and that's where it all began, apparently.

A few more weeks later, we were talking to each other nonstop. She was constantly telling me that Taeyeon is a better bias because of her voice and because she's the leader or the group; while I, on the other hand, was telling her that Jessica is a better bias because she has a smoother and more mellow voice compared to Taeyeon's extreme voice. You know, real Korean fan stuff.

Over the years, we slowly talked to each other and we learned a little more about each other. It's not much, but it accumulated into a big thing over time. Until it got to the point where she slowly helped me in my day-to-day activities, and she even protected me one from a friend that had been treating me horribly.

She has helped me a lot over the course of our friendship, and yet I barely helped her with things—which is why I owe her a huge debt of gratitude, not to mention that she happily accepts me as her little brother. As her little sibling, as if I'm one of her kind. It might not look much to you, but for me, it means a lot.
</context>


And that's how Elaine and I got where we are now—as the best of friends who are almost inseparable.

Although I have to admit that, over time, I have made some mistakes like any other human, but the fact that she openly welcomes me as her little brother after all of these years, and I'm quite thankful for that. Not because that she treats me like I'm someone special (sort of), but because of her existence as a whole.

Elaine, through my eyes, represents many good things in this world: a friend you can open up to, a friend who's shoulder you can cry on, and as someone who's willing to catch you whenever you fall. To you, an average person with a lot of friends you can count on, she might not seem much; however, through my eyes, she is one of (if not, the) kindest persons I've ever met during my 16 years on this earth.

I suppose she represents something bigger as well. In a world full of chaos, violence, and all sorts of evil, we need someone we can rely on—someone who can catch us whenever we fall. And, quite honestly, Elaine fills in this gap by just simply being there. As a person who currently suffers from a lot of insecurities and problems, a person I can count on is someone I need the most, and Elaine truly does bring back the colors in my life.

In all honesty, we didn't talk much last year, and we just started talking again last week or so, but she's one person I NEVER want to stop talking to.

Like most people, Elaine isn't perfect, and I am proud to say that neither am I. However, she's the most perfect big sister I could ever have—and I love her for that (:

If you have been reading my previous blog posts, you could immediately sense the main theme or gist of the said posts: stating problems without properly giving solutions nor addressing the problems themselves. I have to admit I'm an extremely lazy person, and not the good kind either. A good lazy person will find an easier solution to a problem (just like what Bill Gates said); on the other hand, a bad lazy person (like me) won't find a solution to a problem at all (or, if ever, I will just look for a solution on Google but not follow it). Laziness is a problem that I have been facing since I was a child. From not wanting to get up and eat, to not wanting to get out of bed at all.

Laziness itself has caused a significant impact on my life—social and academic. I have this innate feeling of just wanting to sleep in bed or just lie there for a few more hours rather than do anything else. Honestly speaking, as I'm writing this, I'm getting that same exact feeling. But I digress, I need to learn how to solve those problems and I'm going to lay all of them out here in the open today.

So, without and further ado, let's get started.




Solution #1: Connection
More specifically, human connection. The problem with me is that I've shunned people away from me, and I don't want to form any actual close connections with anyone (as much as possible). Due to past experiences, I have tried to keep friends away and close off ties with people who are so close to me. It has become apparent that my way of living—passing by and meeting people without actually connecting to them—has caused severe repercussions towards me, my health, and my general well-being.It has become obvious to me that, by not actively connecting and sharing information with other people, the feeling of isolation and loneliness I'm getting has grown stronger over the past few months.

So, how can I actively and properly enforce this solution? By becoming fearless, I'll tell you that. Also, Ate Betina has told me that, if a relationship I have with a person went awry and that person tries to point out my name or share slurs about me online, I should just let it happen and don't mind it. In a way, it does make sense, becoming fearless of whatever happens in life is the way to go; moreover, keeping a calm and focused mind while bad things happen is definitely a step in the right direction.

"Sure, that's great and all, but what does it have to do with connection?" is what you might be wondering right now. See, I'm focusing on the two sides of connection: reconnection and disconnection. I need to disconnect from those people who just use me for their own personal gain and reconnect with people I have lost connection with.

In layman's terms, I'll just not talk to those people who are using me for their own benefit and focus on my real friends—the ones who are almost always by my side.

"And what does this solution do? Does it really solve anything?" is another question you might be wondering now. The most obvious answer to this question is that it removes every single trace of depression and loneliness I have. The answer of connection will solve my low self-esteem, low confidence, depression, loneliness, and so much more.


Solution #2: Finding a new inspiration
This is now the solution to my problem with laziness. Over the years, I was inspired by a lot of people around me, and they all made me want to continue doing what I love. An inspiration would a make a huge difference to my life, as I have someone to do something for. Anyone can be my inspiration, honestly speaking, from the friends I've gained in high school, to the man who started the company I love the most, and even my GRAMCOM professor. As Yoo Rhee Nam's speech titled "99% Inspiration," I need to find someone who can affect me and "change my life," and "shine a new light on my world."

And when I meant "new inspiration," I really meant a new inspiration—someone who hasn't inspired me before. This is not an easy task, as most people you come across in life aren't inspirational at all. I need to find a person who stands out of the crowd—and in a good way, of course. Someone who's fearless, caring, and kindhearted. I need a positive influence in life and, quite frankly, finding someone who will just serve as a bad example will only worsen my condition.

I need to find someone who I can look up to, a starlight that can guide me. I might seem like a mature teen who can pretty much do things on his own, but deep down inside, I'm just really a scared child who doesn't know where to go. An inspiration would be a big deal for me and it most definitely will make a big impact on my life.


Solution #3: Learning what path to take in life
I'm a man of simple goals and simple aspirations. Ultimately, my main goals in life are as what follows: find a nice girl, court her, marry her, find a nice place, have kids, raise them properly, not abandon them, continue to live life for them, grow old, and die surrounded by the ones I love. It's a pretty simple life plan, as I don't really plan on becoming the next Steve Jobs, or anything like that. A good father and good employee will do. The problem with my goals is that I have no clear path of what to take, or even how to get there.

Right now, I'm a student at Asia Pacific College who's in his first year of college. I just graduated from high school last March and 4 months of college doesn't really give me enough time to evaluate and see if this course is really right for me. The world of my major, Software Systems (or Systems Software), has yet to open up to me, but I hope that, by the time I see it, I will immediately love it.

I'm still not sure what to make out of this solution, and this is the one that baffles me the most. Even if I have solved all of my other problems (my depression, mood swings, connections, etc.), I still have one ultimate problem: finding out where to go in life. There are many paths to take in life, and there are many outcomes to them. For example, I could take the path of a dropout student who doesn't focus on his studies and yet I could still achieve some of the goals I planned—albeit, I'll become a deadbeat dad who'll just ultimately abandon his kids (and I would never want that to happen). I could also take the path to gaming, and try to do something out of place or something weird and I might make 3,000-12,000 Pesos a week by game streaming, but I'm sure I'll be extremely fat and lazy by that time.

So, the path I will take for now is the path of righteousness. By becoming a good friend and a good person to everybody (while, at the same time, avoiding those who will use me for their personal gain) is the path I should take. I should learn how to become a good person towards anybody and everybody, prioritize what matters the most, and ultimately learn how to put the solutions aforementioned into action.



And the only way to do that is through reorganization.

Unhappiness and misery are two of the emotions I feel the most, and obviously, I don't like either one of them. Like most people, I would prefer to be happy rather than be unhappy—but things aren't as simple as that.

Unhappiness (usually coupled with sadness and a hint of depression) is an emotion I'm all too familiar with. It is the worst emotion I have ever felt—much worse than rejection—and it's hard to solve on my own. Finding a solution for it might seem easy to say (which is to just stop being unhappy), but it's quite hard to do so. First off, I have several problems that cause me to be unhappy: college activities, studies, past experiences, financial troubles, and interpersonal relationships are just some of the things that keep me up at night. Not only does the emotion make me want to hate everything, it also makes me easily annoyed to anything. When I'm unhappy, I have no will or passion to do anything, and even if I do anything, it will always end up as a garbled mess—with little to no value whatsoever.

I've tried looking for the root of my unhappiness for weeks now, and I think I have finally found the root of it—isolation. For those who don't know, I'm a hermit, and I both love and hate staying in the comfort of my own solitude. I love to be alone so that I can focus on what I'm working on, but I also hate being alone when I have nothing else to do. Just like now, I have no one to talk to on Facebook, so I decided to write this blog post to kill some time.

Isolation and fear are two different words, if you compare them; however, they go hand in hand in order to cause my unhappiness. I'll talk more about isolation in another post (as it will take more time to write), and I'll focus more on fear, because it's easier to write. I'll break each topic down to 4 parts: the problem, the effects, the solution, and the possibility of solving the problem. As I said, I'm going to focus first on fear.


Fear is the reason why I don't want to trust people with my secrets. Fear is the reason why I have trust issues. Fear is the reason why I don't want to reveal my life story with anyone. Fear is the reason why I can't say no. The feeling itself can lead to so many effects, particularly trust issues and the inability for me to say no when it comes to favors. The issue of trust is caused by fear, because in the past I have shared so many things with my "friends," only for them to betray my trust and spread my secrets out to the world—which can lead to bullying and backstabbing if the secret itself falls into the wrong hands. The fear of trusting people is a serious issue and I still don't have a clue on how to solve it, Quite frankly, I've built so many "walls" around me that almost no one even knows my deepest and darkest secrets. I can only trust a few persons in this world—my best friend Capacia and his entire family being one of the few. I guess the solution for this is for me to just learn how to trust people and trust those who are really trustworthy—not just those friends I've met and I'll immediately tell my life story to (which I did back then, and it was all my fault).

The second (and most dangerous) effect fear can do is that, in a way, it makes me prone to accept favors—no matter what the costs are. This can lead to good things, sure, but it can also lead to abuse, especially when that person doesn't do anything to repay me back. I don't know if it's related to me being a Filipino, but I have this utang na loob (debt of gratitude) system where, if I do a favor for someone, I expect them to do something for me in return. Paying back someone for something that they did is not that bad, honestly, as it's only fair. That person (probably) sacrificed their time and effort (and, in some cases, money) for you, and giving your time and effort to them is the least you can do. It might sound like an odd thing for those who's just heard about it, but it's a clear example of mutualism. You benefit from the other person if and when that person does a favor from you, and that person benefits when you do a favor from that person. It's a win-win for both parties. Nevertheless, it always doesn't end in mutualism, and if it doesn't end in mutualism, it most likely will end in parasitism.

A person who benefits off of others and doesn't do anything to repay them back is, what I could call, a parasite (or a leech, whichever one you prefer). Let me just share with you my recent encounter of it a few days ago. I was tasked by my friend to make a background for their website (which was their midterm project) in Photoshop—nothing more, nothing less. I thought, "It's just a simple Photoshop request, I can do it." Little did I know that I would so make that person's entire project from scratch I handled most (around 90% or so) of the coding and work on the project itself. I spent a lot of time working on that little website. What made the experience worse is that the person didn't know how to properly code in HTML or CSS and yet that person had extremely high expectations. That person wanted me to showcase images in a light box, display multiple pictures (originally 800, stripped down to 90, and finally 30) in a single page. "If you can think of it, and if you want it, but you can't code it, you should learn how to code it yourself," was my main thought, but I was afraid to say so out of fear. So, after spending hours and hours of work on the project, what did it leave me with?

Nothing but more feelings of unhappiness and the feeling of being used. "Why did you do it in the first place anyway?" you might ask, and the answer to that question is none other than fear, the fear of losing our 3-year friendship, to be exact. That person and I have been friends for a long time, so I'd usually do pretty much any favor they ask me. BUT that person has recently started the trend of only talking to me when they need me. Which beings us to the age-old cliché "I only exist when you need something from me."



But I digress, my true friends told me that I shouldn't do that person's bidding anymore. So, under the supervision and under the advice from my closest companions, I blocked that person and removed them from my contacts. (Honestly, I didn't block that person myself, my close friend did it, and I regret nothing.) A sigh of relief immediately followed and I felt a lighter weight on my shoulders. My best friends were right, I shouldn't subject myself to do the work of others just because I'm afraid I might lose my friendship towards that person.

And that was my bold (no pun intended) first step towards conquering my various fears which can bring me unhappiness. I hope that, under the supervision and tutelage of my close friends, I can learn how to fight the fears that go bump in the night.


But that's just the beginning.

Since this blog is still in its infancy, I might as well make one of the first posts about the author; however, I'm not going to start with an elementary-tier introduction like my full name, age, schools I've went to, and so on. Rather, I'm going to introduce myself by telling you all who I was and who I am now.

After what seemed like an eternity, I have (finally) finalized the design of my blog! Whew, after weeks of preparation, code testing, coffee breaks, sleepless nights, and multiple HTTPS insecure errors, I have finally pulled off this daunting task—and I'm now ready to celebrate. So, for the time being, please listen to this celebratory song (courtesy of Girls' Generation, of course) that perfectly fits the emotions that I'm feeling right now.



To your professional web developer, the design of my blog might look, well, undercooked. But, to many of my blockmates and other people I know, the design of my blog actually looks great. While I agree with both, I have to say that I actually agree more with the first one—that my blogs design looks undercooked. Honestly speaking, the design of this blog is really finalized, but I haven't really tweaked it yet to its maximum capabilities. I still have some design inconsistencies here and there, and there are a lot of things I need to remove in the HTML of this blog.

Nevertheless, I've tried my best to make sure that this blog looks extremely professional and is well-suited for devices with smaller screens (unlike my other blog, Memoir of an Undergrad).


I've also made sure that this blog is fully HTTPS compatible by running several tests on it using the website Why No Padlock? as the main HTTPS compatibility checker for this blog. When I first made this blog, I wasn't even aware that Blogger supported HTTPS until I saw this post on my Blogger Dashboard talking about HTTPS availability for Blogger blogs.

I immediately enabled HTTPS availability and looked up an HTTPS compatibility checker. I found the site I mentioned earlier, and I tried to fix the errors that I saw. Funny enough, all of the Blogger blogs that supported HTTPS got the same error—that an insecure URL was found in the CSS of their blog. It was not hard to fix, I just added an extra "s" in the // link, downloaded it, replaced the URL, uploaded it to Dropbox, got a link, and replaced the original Blogger CSS link with the Dropbox link. Sure enough, I thought I had solved everything, but there was one problem left: according to the site, the server supports SSLv3, and that's (probably) a bad thing(?). I'm not sure, I'll understand what these mean someday, but I know that I don't control the server(s) hosting my blog, so I can't really disable it. I've done all I can to make sure this blog is fully HTTPS compatible, and I hope I did well for a college freshman.

Those being said, I still have a lot of things to do and a long way to go in terms of a "perfect" and fully professional design. I am far from actually finalizing the design of this blog—and it'll probably take me years to do so. Like I said earlier, several design inconsistencies and I've found a page where everything just looks broken. I have a lot of time to fix those errors, but now I'll just focus on the main purpose of this blog—to log my daily activities and share my story with others.

In my original blog, its main purpose was to see how much I've changed over time, and did I sure change a lot. I'm hoping to see a lot of (good) changes that I will apply to myself over time.

Ah, what a time it is to be alive. I have so many things to write about and so little time to write them (due to my somewhat busy schedule), but I'll make sure that I'll write in this blog every week. Until my next post, goodbye!


THRESHOLD 1
I just loaded my blog using Microsoft Edge (I use Google Chrome for web design and Microsoft Edge for personal browsing) and, wow, the transitions when resizing the page are so smooth. Also, I've fixed an issue with the share buttons.

THRESHOLD 2
Lots and lots of changes have been made and I almost forgot about this post. For starters, I added a blur to the slideshow on the home page AND I (kind of) blurred the top image for posts. I've fixed MULTIPLE design inconsistencies since then and I've added my own lines of code here and there. I've fixed some of the problems with the broken pages by enabling the loading screen to show up there. I've also added in a BSoD as the error page for 404 links. I've also fixed several issues when viewing my blog from multiple screen resolutions, so hopefully the people on Android won't see the images glitch or be extremely large.

There are seriously a boatload of new changes and fixes in this build compared to the base version of my blog. I've since added multiple hover effects, color transitions, accent color prevalence, and so on. Oh, and if you have a really keen eye on my HTML, you'll notice a few new things here and there. Maybe an easter egg when you search something in the search bar, I don't know.

The best part about all of the changes here is that I did most of the changes by myself and before my web programming class/es. Believe it or not, I actually spruced up everything here myself and I just relied solely on tutorials online and by the handy Inspect Element tool in Chrome.

My blog design looks finished now, but hopefully there are a lot of changes to come, especially after my web programming classes. I'm really proud of the changes I've made, and doing so many at a young age. I still have a long way to go in terms of becoming a professional web developer, but my blog is a testament on how far I've improved.

As far back as I could remember, I've always dreamt and imagined of a better tomorrow. A new world free from chaos, suffering, anguish, and evil. Back then, I could only think of somewhat simple futuristic scenery, one of which was of a car slowly gliding through a road that looked all too familiar. Ever since I was a kid, I've been attached to images, videos, concepts of the future. I stepped back in awe as my imagination slowly developed into something more complex, a clearer vision of what my percepted future was going to be like. Only this time, it was different; as everything I knew changed.

My vision of a tomorrow filled with holograms with a cyan color tone slowly faded and my once bright futuristic paradise turned into a dark and desolate dystopian future. All traces of hope and the once bright future I had in mind—slowly withered as the years passed.

Hope, it seems, came in a limited supply. Making matters worse, it was hard to find.

The futuristic utopia that I had once dreamt of is in shambles. Chaos and hopelessness run wild as the once gleaming streets slowly turn into nothing more than a bunch of shattered glass and cracked concrete. The buildings that once stood tall have all but collapsed, with the paint slowly fading into a shade of gray. The main building in the center of town, once was a symbol of hope and perpetual innovation through the use of technology, is now a symbol that, no matter how pure and brave good intentions are, there is only one thing that looms over everything at the end of the day—apathy.

Still in shambles, I'm trying my best to pull myself out of this rut and slowly rebuild my vision of a better and brighter tomorrow. Like with most things, progress will usually run slow. Days, weeks, months, or even years may pass and I still might not have the same vision that I once had before. Yes, progress will be slow, but it will continue on nevertheless.

I most definitely will need the help of others, to restore what I have lost. People might come and go, destroy something I had been working on, bring down some of the things I have built, but that's just a normal part of life. What will matter the most is that I can build and rebuild things faster than they can destroy.

The road ahead from here is a long and tedious path, but I'm sure that I can restore my beloved dream and, soon, I might be able to show everyone what I've worked on. The things I have built might be destroyed, but that's just a normal part of life. What will matter the most is that I can build and rebuild things faster than they can destroy.

The road ahead from here is a long and tedious path, but I'm sure that I can restore my beloved dream and, soon, I might be able to show everyone what I've worked on. Who I really am in this world.