A Better Tomorrow

During the year 2012, I was introduced to the wildest and craziest thing I had (literally) ever heard in the field of music—singing speech synthesizers. Now, speech synthesizers have been around for some time and most of us use it for day-to-day tasks; I use Cortana on my Windows Phone and PC, several folks use Alexa, and a sizable amount of people use Siri. But to have those speech synthesizers sing thousands of songs, release albums, and even have concerts of their own is almost entirely unheard of. Today, I will be taking you down my musical rabbit hole, the world of Vocaloid.

My high school (and current) best friend Jean introduced me to the genre when I was just starting out my freshman year in high school. The songs she introduced ranged from various voice banks, here on out referred to as "Vocaloids," like Miku Hatsune, Rin and Len Kagamine, and Luka Megurine to name a few. To be completely honest, I didn't really give much attention to the genre itself. Some of the songs were able to entice me and I even downloaded a PSP game that focused heavily on them. But I was in high school at the time, K-pop was dominating my musical landscape and Girls' Generation came out on top.

Truth is, I never really liked Vocaloid that much in high school.

My fondness for Vocaloids and the genre itself remained completely frozen in time and kept on a shelf of old high school memorabilia, never to be touched or even looked at. That seemed to be the case until November of last year. I broke down in my college's library and a flame was rekindled inside of me, burning with a passion for old high school memories.

I tried to remember some of my favorite songs and, whew, did it take me down memory lane! Now, I've incorporated the genre itself into my daily life and I'm going just spazz about my favorite Vocaloids. (Forgive me for spazzing, as I have few to no friends at all with whom I can tell my current musical interests to. I have no mouth, and I must spazz.)

Miku Hatsune

At this point, Miku has basically made herself the mascot of Vocaloid as she is the most famous one out there. She has her own concerts and world tours in various cities across the globe, she has several albums featuring her voicebank, and she even has her own game franchise. She is currently Vocaloid's biggest pop star and a virtual diva. And, honestly, I quite like her.

Being a person who plays Project Diva on a weekly basis, I have taken a liking to a lot of her songs. Some of my favorite songs are "Yellow," "Rolling Girl," and "Torinoko City." There is one song from her that seriously, seriously tugs my heartstrings, a particular song that makes me shed a tear every time I listen to it; the song I'm referring to is called "Once Upon A Me" and it is a wonderful piece of musical art.

It's a genuine surprise to me whenever I realize that three words, three little words, have changed my life for the better since I've last posted here. I'll be honest with you all, I was definitely not feeling well (both mentally and physically) when I published my last post. At that time, I thought that it was the end of the road for me. My only belief at that time was that there's 0% chance that my life this year would be good. That was, of course, until three words turned my life in 2018 around.

There's a lot that's happened and it's 1 a.m. on a Monday, plus I have a heavy day tomorrow. So I do apologize if I might have to cut one topic short. But don't worry, I shall write about that whole topic in a separate blog post soon. Let's get started with the first set of those miraculous "three little words" that changed my life this year.

"Congratulations, you're hired!"

This first one came as a huge surprise, honestly. During this time, I was job hunting and I had gone to several places around Manila looking for an entry-level job for a college dropout like me. The search was difficult, obviously, but I had to grit my teeth and brave through it, and constantly apply to various other companies.

Let me tell you, it was difficult applying to companies as a college dropout. I have my skillset (which I picked up on my own), but I was at a severe disadvantage/handicap. There were also those times when I had to go out at night just to apply to these companies.

The most grueling part of it all was when I had to submit a website design for a company and then I was supposed to pass it the day after. But, on that same day, I had an interview in the morning and at night. I got only 3 or so hours of sleep in the span of those 2 days. But, you know me, I've already competed at a lot of hackathons and won some of them with little to no sleep, I handled it all just fine.

The whole interview and applying process was really fun, to be honest. I met a lot of new people and talked to a lot of foreigners from different English-speaking countries. I was interviewed by an American, an Australian, and some British guys. It was pretty cool, I'm not going to lie.

In the end, the pain was all worth it when I got accepted at this one company, and it was the company that I wanted to work at the most. Thankfully, it all worked out in the end and, yeah, I'm working there now.

"You're perfect, Dart."

This last one genuinely made my heart skip a beat—and it hasn't done that in a very, very long time. If you've read my last post, you would think that I've just given up on love and the whole concept of it entirely. I thought that I'd never fall in love again, that my heart won't beat for someone else anymore.

But then, life takes you on an unexpected turn.

I met someone and she's the biggest bundle of sunshine I've ever met. I don't even know how to properly describe her because my head gets all fuzzy when I think of her. She's just unlike any other girl I've recently met and she's the one that makes me smile the most.

We've been talking for a few weeks or so and, in that timeframe, we've been sending each other voice messages and singing to each other. She also told me about her past, her troubles, and her traumas as well. We've also watched with each other online and we're supposed to watch together again soon.

Honestly speaking, if this keeps up, I'm eventually going to fall in love with her.

Oh, who am I kidding, I already did; just last night, in fact. I sent her this long voice message I recorder and she replied with the most thoughtful message I've ever received. It was a message of her initially singing "Just Give Me A Reason" but, at the end of it, she sang this nursery song. It was a rhyme I've heard before in the movie "Ruby Sparks" and the song was "Skidamarink."

When she sang that song and explained the meaning behind it, that was the moment I knew I really had fallen for her. All the heavy thoughts in my head were cleared and my once-cold heart melted. And I love her for doing that.

It's now been 2 days since she sent that message and I'm still falling for her every time I talk to her. I just feel like singing Owl City's "Enchanted" right now and talking to her all night. Regardless if we're flirting with one another or just casually chatting, I just want to spend time with her because I just feel like I can be honestly open with her.

What I genuinely hope right now is for us to get to know each other more and spend more time with each other. Our schedules are kind of conflicting with one another but this is a challenge I'm willing to take. I also hope her parents would allow me to court her sometime in the future, honestly. If I have to prove myself to the girl and her parents that I mean well, then I'm definitely up for it. Even if I have to cross towns, cities, or even regions just to see her smile in person, I would do it.

But that's all for the far future. What matters now is that she's there for me and I'm there for her. She's told me that I'm perfect and I think she's really the most perfect (and sweetest) girl I've ever met. I love her and that's all that matters, I just love her so much.

It was missing a piece and it was not happy. So it set off in search of its missing piece.

My apologies if I haven't posted in a while! Life did what it does best and, uh, a lot of things happened within the past few months or so. As much as I want to talk about what happened, this post won't be about that. Instead, in an attempt to do something different, I'll review a book I recently read! The title of the book is The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein and, yes, for today, I will be reviewing a children's book.

I came across this book in... an unlikely place. The specifics of it aren't that important, but I was very surprised and intrigued upon hearing the general plot of this book. Spoilers are up ahead so if you want to go check it out first (it's a short read, this post has way more words than the book) then pause now and continue later. Good? Here's the full story on YouTube.

The Story

The Missing Piece is a story about a circle that's, well, missing a piece. Because it's missing a piece, it feels unhappy. It thought that, by looking for the missing piece, it would be complete and thus it would have no reason to feel unhappy anymore. So it went on a journey in search for the missing piece.

The story shows the different stuff that "the incomplete circle" did while alone. It talked to a worm, smelled flowers, passed a beetle, and its most precious time was when it watched a butterfly land on it. It also continued its journey across oceans, past swamps and jungles, and up and down mountains.

One day, it found a piece. It was just a piece. It didn't care if that piece had fit the circle, it was just surprised at the thought of seeing a piece. It was ecstatic and it thought it had found its missing piece. But the piece wasn't happy about it at all. They said that they were nobody's piece, that they belonged to no one. They were their own piece.

Disappointed, the circle had decided to leave the piece alone and apologize. It quickly found other pieces, but they didn't fit very well. One was too small, another, too big, one too sharp, and one too square. But then, it found a piece that did fit. This piece had fit the circle properly, and it seemed complete. But it didn't hold on tight enough to the piece and eventually lost it. It found another perfect match, but held on too tightly, and broke the piece.

Regardless of the events before, it pushed on. It continued having adventures and various escapades. It fell into holes, hit stone walls, and etc. Until, of course, it met this one last piece.

It asked if this piece was somebody else's piece and they said no. It asked if they were their own piece and they said that they could be someone else's and still be their own. It asked if they maybe didn't want to be their piece and they said that maybe they do. So, it wondered one last time if they do fit each other and much to the circle's surprise...



They both had fit each other properly and it seems that all was right in the world. Because the circle was now complete, it could roll much faster now.

It rolled so fast, it couldn't stop to talk to a worm, nor smell a flower, and it was too fast for a butterfly to land on it. Still, it could sing the song it always had sung to itself, so it was not all bad. It tried singing but, since their mouth was full, it couldn't sing properly at all. It realized something and said "Aha! So that's how it is!" Upon realizing this, it stopped rolling, set the piece down by itself gently, and



As it was rolling away, it sang to itself in a happy and upbeat manner. Since it was by itself now, it can do things on its own freely again and, in the end, the circle experiences their most precious time once again.


The end.

My Take on the Story

It's strikingly obvious what the plot means and the moral of the story is extremely clear if you've read the entire book. Of course, the story is about the nature of happiness, interpersonal relationships, and independence. The main character, the incomplete circle, feels unhappy because they are incomplete, leading them to think that if they find their missing piece, they will be completely happy. In reality, this is far from the truth, as finding something "that fills the hole in your heart" doesn't usually work. It also raises the notion that "if we ever do find the thing that fills the void in us, would that make us truly happy?" Look, there are a lot of sites that can explain the intricacies of the plot better than I ever could, so I guess I'll stop there and talk about how this story fits into my life and viewpoint.

When I was in my early teens, I really wanted to have a girlfriend. I didn't really care who it was, I just thought that having a girlfriend would be cool. It was a thought at a time of early adolescence, so I had a lot of angst within me at the time and I really thought that "having a girlfriend" would magically make those problems go away. I was so eager to have a girlfriend at the time that I basically listed down every female friend I had and wondered about my chances with them, without realizing the problem having a relationship entails.

My story didn't fully turn out like the one in the story. I did find pieces, sure, but I just crushed most of them. I thought that my best friend was my missing piece and I held on to them quite hard until I broke them; rather, my friendship with them.

I never did find my missing piece in the end, nor did I ever find one that wanted to fit me. Even until now, I'm still a kissless (handhold-less, girlfriend-less, uh, romance-less) virgin, but I've been thinking a lot recently.

I've been single for most of my life and I've just grown accustomed to being happy by myself. Years ago, I'd be super pissed at the idea of going to a mall by myself, envying the couples who held hands or passed by. But now, I'm just... happy I could go do things on my own. I move to my own rhythm, I can quicken up my pace or slow it down whenever I want to, and I can just, well, be my own best friend.

Truth is, I'm not really looking for my missing piece anymore. I've simply given up on looking.

Other more pressing matters tend to fill my mind now, and they often give me a good kick to keep me going by myself. Still, that doesn't mean that I'll deny myself of romance forever, I'm just simply happy being by myself now. I'm not sad or mopey about my single status anymore and I've come to slowly realize that I can be happy without someone else. (I've also stopped that stupid habit of thinking that I could be more than friends with most girls I meet.) It's great and all, learning that lesson, but there is one other thing.


I'm just simply too broken to have a relationship, haha! I'm very moody and easily gloomy compared to other guys. I'm not that high-standard anyway, I don't have many (or any) of those "desirable traits" people find attractive. I guess that I've developed this intense feeling self-depreciation to deal with it all. Deep down, I've started to believe that I'm, well, unlovable, that I'm not deserving of someone else's understanding or care, and that I'll just screw it up.

Still, that's not to say that I don't fantasize about romantic stuff. I sometimes think of a good relationship and even a married life with some of my best friends or some pretty girl I meet, but that's all it is really—a fleeting thought. I just say to myself "they'll find someone one day that'll truly make them happy, someone actually complete" in a bid to reassure myself, for some reason. It's a weird and convoluted way of thinking, I know.

In the end, so many pieces fell out of my head, all of which were mine to begin with, a long time ago. Sadly, the most important part that fell out was the part of me that allowed me to think that someone else could still love a person like me. I know that there are people in this world that love me, even if they don't say it, but, deep inside, there's still that new part of me saying that I don't deserve it all.

This was intended to be a happy post, with nothing but happy thoughts, but that part of me keeps rearing its head. I do apologize if you had to see it. Still, I'm happy to be alone, I've grown accustomed to it now. I just wanted to share that you don't really need someone else to feel completely happy.

Well, most of the time, anyway :)

Whew. At this point, I don't even know what to say anymore. I thought that I would be smarter (or, at least, smart enough) to figure things out. But nope, unfortunately, I can't sort out this problem alone, and I'm afraid to ask for help.

I don't know where it all began, the day my life started spiraling out of control. But I guess I can start to where it felt like it started to spin out of control. If I were to pick a year, I guess that would be 2014. I started to lose so many things that year: my self-care, my big sister, my inquisitiveness, and, unfortunately, SNSD.

The past 2 years, 2012 and 2013, were quite wonderful years, looking back. In 2012, I fell in love with this girl, I got a new laptop and phone, SNSD released "Girls & Peace," my extreme interest in computers and operating systems (especially on Windows) started, and we got Internet installed in our house. In 2013, I went on my first date, SNSD released "I Got A Boy" and "Love & Peace," I grew so close to my big sister, I learned how to install an OS in a virtual machine plus so much more, and I started blogging.

Aside from the minor "suicidal bump in the road" in 2013, the 2 years before 2014 were quite good. Until 2014 happened. I lost a few, albeit important, things that year. I thought 2015 would be better. SNSD's comeback, college, new people and friends, etc. And, my life did get better, for a while. I sat comfortably in my new life, coding, learning about computer science, making new friends—but still, something felt.. incomplete, lackluster, hollow.

2016 was when shit had really hit the fan. A failed courting attempt in the year, SNSD announced hiatus, I barely talked to my big sister anymore, I felt more and more bored to learn about computers, I slowly lost interest in doing things, I wanted to stop blogging, I got tired of reading blogs, etc. Add the growing financial problems on top of that plus the fact that I got scammed earlier that year and you could tell from my few posts that my life wasn't really great in 2016. For me, 2016 felt more like an extension, an "extra few days to live" until my death sentence. "Prolonged misery" as I call it.

The year 2017 started out differently. Things got shaken up. I moved in. I joined competitions and tested my abilities once again, and came out on top on some of them. Plus, I heard that SNSD was going to make a comeback for their 10th anniversary. Things were looking great for the first few months of 2017.

But then the problems kept piling up. Things left unsaid. Days without a proper inspiration. Insecurity about my looks. The feeling of everyone being better than you. Loneliness and depression kicking in. You get the point.

Then I started feeling bad about myself. I felt more and more like shit. I made promises to myself that I ultimately broke. I felt horrible and bullied. I always felt like I was looked down upon, and that I have someone to tell me how worthless I am. I moved out.

Out of all the bad things I thought would come my way, the one thing I didn't expect was the one that had set in my life the most—apathy. I've grown apathetic and it's scary. It's draining me dry. I try to sleep it off, in order to regain motivation, but it doesn't work. I got a Windows Phone and I wanted to develop UWP apps, but every time I start Visual Studio, I go "what's the point?"

I don't care about how I even look anymore. I've stopped caring about a love life, but the thought that, in my entire life, no one has been in a relationship with me still sets me down. I've stopped caring about my academics, and my grades this term suffered in the process.

Personally, I don't know what to do with my life.

In 2014, 2015, or so, I used to always say that I have a starlight to guide me. Plus, I had the backing of my big sister who'll guide me and protect me and to always be there for me. I had my faux parents, Taeyeon and Tiffany. I had a family, SNSD and Sone. I had friends that are there for me through thick and thin. And I had a burning passion to make the world a better place through technology. I thought I had everything—until, one day, I lost them all.

I feel so alone right now. I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't know who to talk to.

I've tried saying "man up, let's weather the storm. Real men aren't this weak," many times but to no avail. I can pretend to act tough, but eventually I'll crack and break down. I don't know why I constantly break down these days. I guess I'm just emotionally weak, I don't know. I guess I break down often because there's no one to help fix me up, and I don't know how to fix myself.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go back to 2012 or 2013 again. Sure, I may have more stuff and money now compared to before, but I don't care about those. I miss Elaine, my times spazzing about SNSD with others, and I miss my passion for technology. I also miss my passion for making art and writing works of literature as well. I miss the feeling of love, thinking that there are people who can love or care for a flawed individual like me.

Ah, I want to get rid of this bad code that's bogging me right now.

But yeah, believe it or not, that's all I ever want in my life now. I don't want a new phone, nor a new laptop. I just want someone. Someone who can cheer me up, protect me, talk to me, and basically be there for me. If 1 person was able to make my year better and save me from suicide back in 2013, then I guess it isn't too bad to hope another one would cross my path this 2017. Hope is all I have left, anyway.

Whether that person will cross my path or not, I don't know. I've got too many problems and no solutions.

This week we learned about cryptography in general and various ways of cryptography. To be honest, this week was an xqmkxfxer wbyybvnem tgw atkw-mh-hoxkvhfx, bg mxkfl hy extkgbgz, week. That's really the best way I can phrase how this week went.

But yeah, we learned a lot about cryptography and it really challenged how my processor worked. We were assigned to encrypt or decrypt something and my brain just gave out halfway through because of how mind-numbingly complex the task was (for me).

Although, sure, I know some basics on cryptography (primarily with the caesar cipher), and some ways to encrypt text (thanks, Cicada 3301). I also learned how asymmetric cryptography works due to various ransomware news I read up online and also because Bitcoin uses asymmetric cryptography. Websites (like this one) also use some form of cryptography, so that hackers and, especially, man-in-the-middle attacks do not work.

Still, I only know the basics of how they work and their core definitions, not how they are actually computed. And, I gotta tell you, doing real cryptographic work is extremely hard (and for a good reason). Thankfully, since James was already knowledgeable and since has more "processing power" than I, the rest of my team and I just relied on him to compute for the solutions in the seatwork our professor assigned to us.

Thankfully, I learned a lot these weeks. The most valuable lesson I learned is "stay away from how cryptography is actually done and just curl up in my graphic design corner."