Have you ever had a constant week of rain falling on top of your head and a constant feeling of gloominess even when it's not a rainy season? Because, if you do, then great! We're on the same boat. But, once in a while, someone, someone special, comes along to cast away all of the gloom and doom from your world and lift your spirits—and that's what recently happened to me.
I'm sure by know you all know my current situation and the things I've been going through. It's been a tough uphill battle, trying to stay strong and maintaining every last bit of your sanity, while, at the same time, being tossed with a myriad of problems constantly. But I am trying to stay strong through all that.
Although, that's not to say I haven't been feeling miserable. I might not be fully expressing it, but, deep inside, I'm quite miserable with my life. These past few but long, sleepless nights have been a hardfought battle because I've been trying to fend off all these negative and suicidal thoughts, and it's a battle I can't run away from. I wish these days (and these nights) could be easier for me, and I wish this pelting rain would soon stop, but I can't. It won't stop, even if I cry. It won't stop, even if I pray. Like it's mocking me, the rain that never ends.
What's concerning is that this feeling and these problems are affecting me in all aspects of my life. I've started to become less interested in my studies, I don't see the fun in hanging out with friends anymore, and I've stopped caring about computers and computer science in general. I'm starting to lose hope, and just succumbing to the feeling of letting myself get soaked in this rain.
But, just when you think that it's all over, or when you think that it'll rain harder, suddenly, the rain stops.
The pain ends, and the worries go away.
The sun shines once again, and soon, all you're feeling is nothing but gratitude and shyness.
Even it's for a while, you look up and you see someone holding an umbrella above your head. It's not much, but the general feeling that someone's there to stop the rain for you, even for a while, is genuinely comforting.
And that's been the case with my blockmates and I for these past few days/week.
You see, I've been getting small gifts, some spare food, or some money to buy lunch at school, these past few days. Honestly, I don't know what to say because I really feel embarrassed getting something from them with giving little to nothing in return. But these small things that these people give me actually means a lot to me—and means more than just "items."
It's the fact that someone's looking at your current situation and they take something that is theirs and gives it to someone is what genuinely warms me up inside. Sure, it's a given that they won't have anything for me on some days, but that's all fine with me. In reality, a small comforting talk or just sharing a table with someone to talk with them is enough for a guy like me. Seriously, I'm okay with people looking at my current situation and talking to me about it.
The extent that these people have gone through just to give me some spare snack for lunch or food is actually breathtaking. The people that have given to me the most were the people I usually don't talk to or are people I've been mean to before in the past, and that's what makes it so embarrassing.
If there's one thing I could say to them, it's this: Thanks for all the help you've given me recently. Even if I don't express it much, I have a feeling of gratitude deep inside, and I'm just shy to express it, so I'm sorry if I might not seem to express some form of gratitude. You really shouldn't have, I'm fine with anyone talking to me about whatever thing over lunch, or a small acknowledgement of what I'm going through is more than enough.
What's been happening recently in my life just goes to show that not everything looks bleak. It just goes to show that there are people out there who are willing to help, and that kindness if just around the corner.
In the past and just recently, I've tried asking help from this adult figure, and they have seemed to have offered me help. Instead, what I got was pure deception and full-on revenge for no apparent reason. Asking for help and assistance, and all I got was a bunch of lies and pathetic ideologies that got me nowhere and dug a deeper grave for me. It was extremely saddening to have asked for help from someone who should regularly help you to just deceive you, trick you, and make your life more miserable—adding another nail in the coffin.
And yet, I'm thankful to have a cruel person like that in my life. Because it makes me appreciate the small gifts that my blockmates and some of my friends have given me. Sure, that person may offer me a lot, but at a cost, and at a price, and they're not willing to help for free; thus, these small gifts, spare snacks, and small amounts of help without asking for anything in return mean a lot more to me.
In the end, whatever people may give me along the way, I'll be thankful for it because it makes the demons inside my head go away—even for a while. They might not realize that the small things they send, or the things they do to understand me, actually does a lot more. It helps me fight off these demons inside, gives me the courage stay away from people whose only desire is to see me suffer, and it keeps the starlight guiding me shine a little bit brighter.
I don't have a lot of stuff to be thankful for in life, and I come from a life full of distraught and misery, but what I am thankful for is the people I have around me. I genuinely wish that my situation in life is different, and that I would not have to deal with these problems anymore, but all I can do right now is to just keep my head down and weather the storm. At the end of the day, faith is still what keeps me going, and my faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. I'm more than glad to have these people in my life.