Step in, ladies and germs. Come one, come all to our leading story tonight. A story about pride, prejudice, and unrequited love. A tall tale about a boy—a young boy—going out of his way to try and get the girl his heart is after. A (possibly) ongoing saga about a nerdy college freshman doing everything he can to go after this out-of-his-league junior. Once again, ladies and gents, welcome to The End—a story about things that are not meant to be.
Sometime around October, 2015, I met a girl that would drastically change my life for the months to come. A girl who I wouldn't expect meeting at that place, and at that time. That girl, of course, was C. C might look like your average girl, but, to me, she was way different than the others. She has a smile that would instantly light up my day, move the clouds, and make my world a better place.
Manning the APC Speaks advocacy booth, I didn't expect to meet a lot of people, as I know I'll be sitting behind a table while glancing at my phone from time to time. Still, the odds and the conditions were just right and my fellow APC Speaks member went in front of me with the girl, C. For no apparent reason at all, my heart fluttered, my lips smiled, my eyes squinted. I felt an uncontrollable feeling that I hadn't felt for months—if not, years—and it was one of the most palpable emotions I ever felt, and I was unknowingly hooked on it.
Nevertheless, my empty and weary mind just dismissed the idea of the girl until I unconsciously thought of her while I was out and about with my fellow Speaks members. A question popped from their lips—the question that would soon shape my life for the months to come. "So, Dart, are you currently courting someone or have plans?" I hesitated, and I immediately said no, but, out of hesitation, I followed with, "But I do have plans to court this girl that was with Tim." Questions soon piled up on me, and I couldn't think of proper responses as I didn't know much about the girl, but it eventually led to me saying, "I'll try to find the girl and I'll really plan to court her."
On the night of the 27th of January, I mustered up to find out who that "mystery girl" was, and so I went on to message my fellow APC Speaks member, Tim, about it. After an exchange of questions, answers, and excuses, I finally got Tim to tell me who that mystery girl was and he gave me a link to C's profile. At first, I didn't think it was her, but I deduced that it was the girl I saw while I was manning the booth.
With a strong lead and enough evidence about the girl, I began to pursue her, and our story started from there.
Now, months have passed, and almost every possible fuck-up and wrong decision has been already been made and done. And, most obviously, I didn't even get a chance to court the girl. I didn't even get the chance to ask her myself if I could court her. The girl and I may (possibly) be in good terms, but neither one of us feel comfortable talking to the other anymore. I was caught dead in my tracks and, since the girl is a junior, her internship is up on the next term, which is on August. My time, luck, and options have ran out—it's time to pay the price of a heavy penitence.
The original plan was to try and see if I can get her to tell me if I could court her on/or before our midterm examinations, and I did try and see that; however, it all came crashing down when a love letter I sent arrived on her doorstep (mentioned here). I tried to follow my plan regardless of what had happened, and I sought on to redeem myself of what happened before. Since I joined her Christian organization, I tried to "pay back" by attending Masses regularly, joining activities that they would organize, and, of course, looking my best and putting my best foot forward whenever I was with her.
Little did I know that my plan was, of course, to no avail. Had I known that, at the end of our term, her answer would still be a solid and definite "No, ever since the beginning, I have never wanted to," I would have never continued to go down this path.
Heartbroken and pitiful, I am now a shell of who I once was—and I'm now equipped with newfound feelings of unworthiness and extreme inadequacy. Despite my best efforts, the girl and I would never turn out to be together—as we are really not meant to be. I am a college freshman, and she is a junior. I still have my whole college life ahead of me and hers was behind her (for the most part, that is). Besides, even if I was successful in my efforts, we would've only had 1 more term together and she would be off on her internship, and the thought that she might meet someone far better than I will ever be while she was on her internship was a thought that dawned on me whenever I would make the decision to continue down the road I was going.
Like many things in my life, a relationship between C and I are not meant to be, and were never meant to be together in the first place. With that being said, I can finally add that to my list of "things that were not meant to be."
Knowing that something in your life isn't meant to be might be one of the hardest—if not, the hardest—thing to know. The feeling of futility and early agony is an emotion I would not like to experience anymore, but I will have to face it once again on a future date. It may not be now, and possibly not next week, nor for the succeeding months, but I will experience it soon. When the time has finally arrived, I just hope that I have the necessary things to let me face it head-on with a smile.
There are certainly things in our lives that aren't meant to be, and we might not know of them until the time finally arrives, but, in the event that it does, the best we could do is to keep our integrity and not lose ourselves in the events that will unfold following it. For me (and as an aspiring innovator), I need to learn how to keep my head high and intact as I look onwards to tomorrow.
Maybe that girl and I are meant to be together, and maybe we're not. Regardless of which, the proper course of action I should take in this situation is to just end this tomfoolery and start to slowly move back to become another background character in her life, and also to focus on mine. The same goes for the other things in my life that aren't really meant to be. I should slowly start to disregard and lose care of things that aren't meant to be—all in the hopes that, by doing it, I will feel less pain and disappointment.
While I'm not sure of what the lesson of this whole story might be, there is only one thing I can derive from this whole situation: anticipate things in advance, and if the situation ahead seems too grim, continuing it might have detrimental effects far down the road. Though it wasn't the only lesson I've learned, it's the one I'm most obliged to share from my experience, and hopefully I will take this lesson seriously (as I have a tendency of learning lessons and disregarding them).
Despite all of the things I've stated, I'm genuinely pleased to have met the girl and to have had this experience—even if it was a bad decision. Like I said, life may throw a lot of hurdles at us, some of which might break us down, and some might make us think that someone is really meant to be for us. But, at the end of the day, fate will clear up everything and see you through. All of the doubts, uncertainties,
That is all for now, folks! If you have reached this far without skipping, then I am obliged to congratulate you. Thank you for reading my story and have a good day ahead!
[By the way, there won't be a Slam Poetry Night session this Saturday as I am off to camp. There will be an extremely lengthy one the Saturday after next, so stay tuned!]